Může se z agresora stát beránek? Omlouvá se, slibuje
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Dneska už vím, že jsem byla pořádně hloupá, když jsem se před dvanácti lety bláznivě zamilovala do svého současného manžela. Bylo mi třiadvacet, jemu o pět víc a strašně mi tenkrát imponoval. Měla jsem pocit, že jsem konečně poznala chlapa s velkým CH.
Do té doby jsem měla jen pár poměrně krátkých známostí, které po několika měsících skončily. Nejdelší vztah trval rok a půl. Vždycky jsem to byla já, kdo se rozcházel a většinou to bylo z důvodu, že mě dotyčný kluk prostě přestal bavit. Všechny vztahy postupně upadaly do takového nějakého stereotypu, měla jsem pocit, že mě dotyčný už nemůže ničím překvapit.
Pak jsem poznala Leoše. Seznámil nás náš společný kamarád na jedné akci a hned tenkrát se mi doslova podlomila kolena. Vysoký, nakrátko ostříhaný s třídenním strništěm na bradě, ruce jako lopaty a krásný úsměv. Jiskra přeskočila oboustranně a začali jsme spolu chodit.
Začátky byly nádherné. Konečně jsem měla dojem, že mám vedle sebe chlapa, o kterého se můžu opřít. Měl v sobě dokonale zkombinovanou něhu a pozornost s takovou tou přirozenou mužskou dominancí. Velmi mi to imponovalo a byla jsem do něj fakt úplně blázen. Až tak, že jsem nevnímala jeho záporné stránky a okamžiky, kdy jsem měla být ve střehu, jsem přehlížela a mávala nad nimi rukou.
Dnes už to vidím jinak.
Začalo to nenápadně. Nejdřív muselo být všechno po jeho. Nikdy nebral ohled na můj názor a na má přání. Měl rád všechno pod svou vlastní kontrolou a důsledně svůj názor prosazoval. Já se nechtěla hádat nebo ho nějak rozhněvat a radši jsem se podřídila. Jak jsem psala, byla jsem zamilovaná a tyhle prvotní signály jsem přehlížela.
Po roce chození jsem otěhotněla a vzali jsme se. Narodil se nám syn a za další tři roky druhý. Moje zamilovanost postupně vyprchala a já si začala uvědomovat, že jsem v našem vztahu v příšerném závěsu. Jako nesvéprávná, neschopná, nemožná. Manžel se chová jako paša. Postupně pro mě přestával mít hezká slova a neustále jen něco požadoval a rozkazoval mi. Po narození druhého syna se situace začala stávat neúnosnou.
Když bylo malému půl roku, manžel mě poprvé uhodil. Starší syn byl tehdy nemocný, do toho péče o miminko, manžel přišel z práce domů a neměl uvařenou večeři. Dost nevybíravě se na mě obořil a já, jak jsem toho měla dost, jsem mu odsekla, ať se proboha jednou obstará sám, že nevím, kde mi hlava stojí. No a už jsem ji chytla. Facku, že jsem měla obtisk na tváři s důrazným komentářem, že ať si nedovoluju s ním takhle mluvit. Druhý den přišel s kytkou a omluvou a já ji přijala, říkala jsem si, že mu prostě ujely nervy a i já mám na té situaci svůj podíl.
Nějakou dobu byl klid, ale pak se jeho agrese stala pravidelnou součástí našeho manželského života. Začala mě bít kvůli kdejaké prkotině a já se strašně styděla o tom někomu říct. Když měl muž lepší období, snažila jsem se s ním mluvit, vysvětlovala, jak je to pro mě strašné, v něčem takovém žít a on mi vždycky sliboval, že už na mě nikdy nevztáhne ruku, ujišťoval mě, že mě má rád, že miluje naše syny a nechce ohrožovat rodinu. Jenže mu to vždycky vydrželo jen určitou dobu. Někdy dva týdny, někdy dva měsíce. A pak, z ničeho nic udeřil znovu. Až mi připadá, že to potřebuje, mít pocit, že má nade mnou moc, že já nemám šanci se mu postavit. Vždycky se jen schoulím do klubíčka a jen se modlím, aby mi neudělal modřinu někde na viditelném místě, protože to bych se pak propadla hanbou.
Čím jsem starší, a jak kluci rostou, tím víc si uvědomuju, že jak pro mě tak pro ně je tenhle model příšerný. Nejraději bych je sebrala a odešla s nimi. Ale vím, že manžel by to jen tak nedopustil.
Teď momentálně jsme opět ve fázi, kdy je „hodný“. Těsně před Vánoci mě opět seřezal a pak se zase omlouval a sliboval. A já mám žaludek jako na vodě a čekám, kdy přijde další úder z jeho strany, jsem neskutečně vynervovaná, protože nevím, co a kdy ho vytočí. Už v tomhle nechci žít, ráda bych, kdyby se mi podařilo ho přimět k nějaké léčbě nebo terapii, možná by mu to pomohlo.
Nemáte náhodou někdo zkušenost s tím, že by se takhle agresivní chlap, pokud si to uvědomuje a chce se napravit, skutečně napravil? Nebo se o to nemám ani pokoušet a měla bych zaměřit svou energii spíš na to, jak se osamostatnit?
10.1.2020 Rubrika: | Komentářů 48 | Vytisknout
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